Feeling Drained by Difficult People? Try This Simple Trick.
Do you have someone in your life who always seems to push your buttons? Maybe it’s a family member who makes every conversation difficult, or a friend who says hurtful things and then jokes, “Don’t be so sensitive!”
It’s exhausting. You leave these interactions feeling stressed and emotionally drained.
But what if you could protect your peace without getting into a fight or trying to change who they are?
There’s a simple idea called the “Let Them” theory (Mel Robbins) that can help you do just that. It’s about shifting your focus from what you can’t control to what you can.
First, Let’s Understand Two Helpful Truths
To make this work, it helps to remember two things about people:
- You Can’t Change Anyone But Yourself.
This is a tough one to accept. We often think that if we just explain things the right way, people will change. But the truth is, people only change when they want to. The more you push, the more they will resist. Letting go of that responsibility is the first step to feeling free. - Grown-Ups Are Just Big Kids.
Think about it: adults pout, give the silent treatment, and slam doors. When someone feels overwhelmed or hurt, their brain can react like a child’s—throwing a “grown-up tantrum.” They might send a angry text, make a sarcastic comment, or shut down completely. Remembering this can help you not take their behavior so personally.
So, What is the “Let Them” Theory?
It’s a simple two-part mindset shift:
- “Let Them”: Let people be who they are. Let them have their bad moods, their strong opinions, and their reactions. It is not your job to fix them or manage their emotions for them.
- “Let Me”: Once you stop using all your energy on them, you can focus it on yourself. Let me keep my calm. Let me use my time on things that make me happy.
In short: The more you try to control others, the more stressed you become. The more you let them be, the more control you gain over your own peace and happiness.
How to Use This in Real Life
Here are some easy ways to start using this theory today:
- Decide Your Limits Ahead of Time. You are in charge of how long you stay somewhere and what you’re willing to talk about. If a topic is draining, it’s okay to say, “I’d rather not talk about that,” and change the subject.
- Go With the Flow. Before you see difficult people, remind yourself why you’re there. Is it to see your sister? To celebrate a holiday? Focus on that goal, and let go of the small stuff. You don’t need to correct them or control the event.
- Be Careful with Venting. Talking badly about someone might feel good in the moment, but research shows it actually makes you angrier and keeps you stuck in the drama. Instead of venting, take a deep breath and practice “letting them” be.
- When You Feel Triggered, Pause. If someone says something that upsets you, you will feel a surge of emotion. That’s normal. Instead of reacting right away, give yourself 90 seconds. Breathe. The feeling will often pass if you don’t feed it with more angry thoughts.
- Have a Calm Response Ready. If someone tries to pick a fight, you don’t have to engage. A simple, “I see things differently,” is a respectful way to end the conversation.
The Bottom Line
You can’t control other people, but you have total power over how you respond.
Trying to change your family or friends is a recipe for frustration. But when you accept them as they are, you stop the struggle. This doesn’t mean you agree with them; it just means you stop wasting energy fighting a battle you can’t win.
This frees you up to focus on your own life, your own energy, and your own peace. And that is a game-changer.
